Monday, November 23, 2009

It's a Cats Life

In my next life I want to come back as one of my cats. Not any old cat-one of my cats. what a life they have-

That Darn Cat.

Geez I am tired. What a day! Started this morning at half five- She ruthlessly kicked me out of the bedroom. I just don’t get it; what could be lovelier than being woken up bright and early by a good looking guy like me paddling on your stomach and howling in your ear? I was a bit peckish, hadn’t eaten in over two hours, but first I had to get past the two hissing, spitting balls of fur I share this place with-Girls, I will never understand them. Before cruising the food bowls I decided to check in on the latest addition to the house. Got to feel sorry for her- God hasn’t been kind to that cat-dodgy ears, weird nose, shocking excuse for a tail and truly bizarre way of moving about. Poor bugger doesn’t even get to sleep on the bed-rattles round its cage eating paper! They call it Bunny- what kind of name is that for a feline? Actually I think They have rotten taste in names; take mine for instance- Stinky! I see myself as a Charles (suitably royal) or a Valentino (one for the ladies).

Right, back to the food bowls. Empty! No problem- I will just go and howl lovingly outside her door; works every time. Ooof, She is looking really rough this morning. Hey, careful you don’t stand on me as I walk in figures of eight round your ankles. Good woman, get that tin open. Nope, not my favourite- something else please. Got to be quick before “Hiss” and “Spit” get here. Whoa- not so quick Missus- don’t forget to leave the back door open for me or I’ll just have to come a howlin’ again. Perfect, just trip Her up one more time as She stumbles back to bed.

So, what’s new on the street today? Oh no! Not you. This other cat has a nerve. Not only does he look exactly like me- except my tail is much shorter, stubbier, more broken and cuter than his, but he wears a girly collar with a bell on it. Firstly that collar threw me- wasn’t until I had put on my best show ( huge yawns to show “her” how big my teeth were, how big I was fully stretched out and how fantastic I was at running wildly for no reason at all) that “she” turned her back on me and I realized “she” was a “he”! Secondly that collar scuppers all my chances of catching birds to “play” with.

On the subject of birds; wonder if I should go get another one to play with? Actually as play mates go, birds are pretty useless; knock them about a bit and then they go and die on you. But it’s worth it just to see Their faces when I race into the house to show Them my latest play thing- especially if the head has fallen of it. Oh-hang on, She’s left the rubbish bag outside the door for me to wee on. It’s my special “thing” doing a wee on bags- rubbish bags, school bags, shopping bags- I’m not fussy. Quick dash round in circles and pouncing on thin air, five minutes of terrorizing “Hiss” and “Spit” and it must be nap time. Wonder when She will be up to give me more food.

Got to get a cat nap in before the day really gets going because I have a busy schedule. The carpet and sofa need regular scratching; black clothes need sitting on; rubbers and pencils need knocking off the table and losing under chairs and in corners; hairs need leaving on all kitchen surfaces and piles of important papers need attacking. Big part of my day is to defend my territory- I am the only stray allowed in this house. Defending territory involves puffing myself up like a cotton wool ball, making a lot of noise, avoiding looking directly at my adversary (how scary if I saw they were bigger than me!) and more weeing on things. Obviously throughout the day I have to do a lot of deep throat meowing to remind Her to give me food on demand and I have to use my best sneak and attack methods to make sure my other two feline companions stay suitably fluffed up and nervous. Best part of the day is when She has students and I put on my show. First; up on the table, lots of cute purring and parading around in front of them (making sure my bottom is always in their faces) next; for no reason at all, attack them and finally sit on their books and lick my “bits”.

See what I mean about exhausting! I am dog tired – crikey, how could I forget, I have to prance about infront of the dog next door to drive him into a barking, frenzy ( good job he is behind a locked gate otherwise……!!!) One more tripping Her up session; usual evening routine of going to the door to be let out, then not going out, then going to the door again to be let out and then not going out- strangely She doesn’t find this funny, I think it is hilarious, and then mad dash to Her bed to get my sleep spot right in the middle so She has no room. It’s a cat’s life but someone has to do it.

No comments:

Post a Comment